Where is it coming from?

Continued from Page 1

Anger can be harmful or healthy.  

But, there is a positive aspect -- it can show us that a problem exists, as anger is usually a secondary emotion brought on by fear.  It can motivate us to resolve those things that are not working in our lives and help us face our issues and deal with the underlying reasons for the anger, specifically:  

• Abuse
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Grief
• Alcohol Abuse
• Substance Abuse
• Trauma

Being a parent of an angry teen brings up the anger in ourselves.  

Teenagers face a lot of emotional issues during this period of development.  They're faced with questions of identity, separation, relationships, and purpose.  The relationship between teens and their parents is also changing as teens become more and more independent.  

This can bring about frustration and confusion that leads to anger and a pattern of reactive behavior for both parents and teens. Unless we work to change our own behavior, we cannot help teens change theirs.  We need to respond rather than react to each other and to situations. 

The intention is not to deny the anger, but to control that emotion and express it in a proactive way.   The first step to identifying and managing anger is to look within ourselves.  

Parents and teens can ask these questions of themselves to bring about self-awareness:  

Where does this anger come from?
What situations bring out this feeling of anger?
Do my thoughts begin with absolutes such as "must," "should," "never?"
Are my expectations unreasonable?
What unresolved conflict am I facing?
Am I reacting to hurt, loss, or fear?
Am I aware of anger's physical signals (e.g., clenching fists, shortness of breath, sweating)?
How do I choose to express my anger?
To whom or what is my anger directed?
Am I using anger as a way to isolate myself, or as a way to intimidate others?
Am I communicating effectively?
Am I focusing on what has been done to me rather than what I can do?    
How am I accountable for what I'm feeling?  
How am I accountable for how my anger shows up?  
Do my emotions control me, or do I control my emotions?    
What can we do for our teen and for ourselves?

Listen to your teen and focus on feelings. 

Try to understand the situation from your child's perspective.  Blaming and accusing only builds up more walls and ends all communication.  Tell how you feel, stick to facts, and deal with the present moment.  Practice relaxation and meditation.  Show that you care and show your love.  Work towards a solution where everyone wins.

Remember that anger is the feeling and behavior is the choice.    

Seek professional help for your teen, yourself, and your family when the behavior is not just a temporary response to a frustrating situation and when there is violence, chronic hostility, depression, or a risk of suicide.

Return to Parent Central

By Linda Labelle

------------------
Please visit the additional links on this page. These companies have been carefully selected to provide you with a relevant resource to the most important issues facing teens and the parenting of teens.