Communicating with Teens

Although we sometimes don’t believe it, need our support, and, still, there are plenty of times when they want and need to be with us, too. Learn how to take advantage of moments together.

Listening to Your Teen

Let teens know you will listen and try to understand their point of view, without putting them down or trying to control them. Being open-minded sometimes can be difficult for adults. But to communicate with teens, parents need to do more than just talk; they need to listen, and really hear what their teens are saying. They also need to notice which issues are not being discussed and have the courage to start a dialogue about those issues.  

When disagreements arise, listening does not mean that you give up your authority as a parent. It does mean giving teens a voice in matters that concern them. Through family dialogue, parents get to know what their teens are thinking and feeling, and teens get to know where their parents stand. Sometimes parents and teens can reach agreements when none seemed possible. Even when agreement cannot be reached, teens are more likely to do what their parents wish if they feel that their parents listened to them with an open mind.

Communication with Teens: Things to Remember

1. Remember that during adolescence, communication generally decreases and a child will confide less in parents. This is a fairly normal process and should not be overreacted to.
   
2. Listen to what is being said; that is, try to understand the teenager's feelings and where she is coming from. Rather than thinking about arguments or retaliations, listen to her.
   
3. Stop what you are doing and look at the teenager. Listen when she speaks to you. Be sure that you are giving her the proper attention and that she is not talking to a newspaper or to your back.
   
4. Be sure most of your communication is positive, not negative. Don't dwell on mistakes, failures, misbehaviors, or something they forgot to do. Give them positive communication and talk about their successes, accomplishments, interests, and appropriate behavior.
   
5. Talk to them about their interests (e.g., music, sports, computers, dance-team practice, cars, motorcycles). Have conversations with them when you are not trying to make a point, to teach them something, or to impress them. Talk to them just to talk and to have positive verbal interaction.
   
6. Avoid talking too much - giving long or too-detailed explanations, repeating lectures, questioning excessively, or using other forms of communication that will result in the teenager turning a deaf ear to you.
   
7. Try to understand the teen's feelings. You do not have to agree or disagree with him; just make him aware that you understand how he feels. Do not try to explain away his emotions. There are times when you do not have to fix things or make the youngster feel better. Understanding how he feels may be the primary comfort that is needed.
   

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Resources The Center for Mental Health Services, Mental Health Directory, 2000.  The White House Council on Youth Violence, Compiled by Chessen, S., Burke, M.E., Lewin, N.J., Blumenthal, S., M.D. Publ. SVP-0013, Washington, D.C. life.familyeducation

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