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Communication with Teens: A Few More Things to Remember

1. Do not overreact to what is said. Remember, sometimes teenagers say things that are designed to get a reaction from their parents. In addition, do not say "no" too fast. Sometimes it is better to think about the request and give a response later. In other words, think before you open your mouth.
   
2. Try to create situations in which communication can occur (driving the child to the doctor's appointment, having the teenager help you with household tasks). You have to be physically close to the teenager for communication to occur. A television in the adolescent's room can be an additional barrier to family communication. Whenever possible, the parent should try to do things with the teenager, rather than separately. Although the child may not frequently accept them, provide opportunities for him to do things with you.
   
3. Try to avoid power struggles, confrontation, and arguing matches. Your goal should be to have the communication move toward a compromise situation, rather than a battle. When appropriate, involve the teenager in decision making and setting consequences for his or her behavior.

Tough Topics

Parents can become frustrated when they try to start a conversation with their teenager and he or she just isn’t interested. There are tough topics, however, that need to be discussed. Teenagers face pressures and temptations about alcohol and other drugs, sex, tobacco, guns, and violence. They need and deserve adult support. Don’t wait for a crisis. Ideally, parents should find times and ways to talk with their teens before serious problems occur, preferably early in the lives of their children. But it is never too late to start.

Sometimes, you begin a dialogue about these issues as part of normal conversation. Often, “teachable moments” happen during day-to-day activities. For example, you could discuss underage drinking when someone gets intoxicated in the presence of your family, or in a movie, or when you see a newspaper story about an accident caused by teenage drinking. You could discuss violence, and better ways of solving problems, after watching a TV show or movie that portrays violence as a solution to a disagreement.

If your teen doesn’t want to talk, try to be clear that your purpose is to build understanding and to be supportive, certainly not to find fault or to punish. If you can’t nudge your child into a dialogue, back off for awhile. This strategy can be disarming. Then, give your son or daughter some time to think it over. A few days later, you can try again to start the discussion. Parents can be flexible in getting the dialogue going, but should not give up on the need for this discussion to eventually begin. Although it may be harder to get boys to open up, parents should engage in dialogue with their sons and daughters alike.

Today’s teens, more than ever before, need to connect with adults—if not a parent, then a coach or teacher, grandparent or foster parent, clergy member, or other trusted adult in their lives. Teens need an adult with whom they can talk openly. They should not be left to rely solely on other teens for important information, conversation, and help with problem solving about how to grow up wisely.

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Resources The Center for Mental Health Services, Mental Health Directory, 2000.  The White House Council on Youth Violence, Compiled by Chessen, S., Burke, M.E., Lewin, N.J., Blumenthal, S., M.D. Publ. SVP-0013, Washington, D.C. life.familyeducation

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