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Sexual Behavior

Sexual Behavior: This is what we do sexually and with whom. Though the culture has little or no influence over a persons' primary sexual attractions (sexual orientation), our culture can heavily influence peoples' actions and sexual behaviors. For example, one may have a "homosexual" orientation, but due to overriding condemnations against same-sex sexual expression, may "pass" by having sex only with people of the other sex.

Sexual Identity

Sexual Identity: This is what we call ourselves. Such labels include "lesbian," "gay," "bisexual," "bi," "queer," "questioning," "undecided" or "undetermined," "heterosexual," "straight," "asexual," and others. Sexual identity evolves through a multi-stage developmental process, which varies in intensity and duration depending on the individual.

Our sexual behavior and how we define ourselves (our identity) is usually a choice. Though some people claim their sexual orientation is also a choice, for the vast majority, this doesn't seem to be the case.

Young people are "coming out" of a closet of denial and fear at younger ages than ever before, due in large part to the support systems developed for and by them over recent years. The coming-out experience for many people involves an interactive process between the individual and her or his environment, beginning often with a general awareness of being somehow different, through denial, tolerance, acceptance, and, in may cases, to identity integration. As the person tells others of her or his emerging sexual identity, parents, other family members, and peers often enter a "coming-to-terms" process of their own.

Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) -- a national support network -- has identified a developmental stage model charting this process in its brochure, "How To Come Out to Parents". It must be emphasized, however, that this model depicts general patterns, which may not be applicable in all instances:

1. SHOCK: Sometimes this is the initial reaction, lasting anywhere from a few minutes to many weeks. Not every parent or friend experiences this, but many do, especially those who had no idea of the person's emerging sexual identity.
   
2. DENIAL: Denial is often a reaction people use to protect themselves from something painful or frightening, and may be brief or last a long time. There are many types of denial: hostility, rejection, not caring, and refusing to register the information. Denial often is the result, in part, of the person's assumption that homosexuality and bisexuality are abnormal or sick, and/or by the person's assumption that the person coming out is heterosexual.
   
3. GUILT: Since some parents and friends perceive homosexuality, bisexuality, or transgenderism as problems, they may at some point "blame" themselves, and may even ask themselves or others "What did I do wrong?"
   
4. FEELINGS EXPRESSED: At some point after the person "comes out," parents, other family members, or friends express their feelings, sometimes anger or hurt. At times, what a friend, sibling, or parent may say may seem mean, even cruel. The fact that they are expressing feelings openly, however, means they are in some sense agreeing to stay in relationship to the person coming out.
   
5. TRUE ACCEPTANCE: As above suggests, some parents, other family members, and friends will reach the stage of continuing to love and care about the person coming out, and understand that that person's uniqueness includes her or his sexual orientation/identity. People at this stage sometime speak out against the oppression lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people face.
   
6. PERSONAL DECISION MAKING: Emotions will slow down with a degree of rationality returning. The parent, other family member, or friend may enter a period of retreat to consider this new information, and to deal with their options. Several kinds of decisions are typical:

• constant conflict with all issues about the person coming out, viewed as related to the person's sexual orientation/identity
  
• continuing to love and care about the person coming out while making it clear they would rather not discuss the topic of sexual orientation/identity any further.
  
• continuing to love and care about the person coming out, and to learn how to be actively supportive.

Resources University of Washington, Experimental Education Unit Warren J Blumenfeld UMASS Crooks, Robert, and Baur, Karla, Our Sexuality, Connie Spatz, ed., New York: Benjamin Cummings Publishing Company, 1990; and Bidwell, R.J., "The Gay and Lesbian Teen: A Case of Denied Adolescence," in "Journal of Pediatric Health Care, 2 (1): 3-8, 1988. American Psychological Association, "Minutes of the Council of Representatives," in American Psychologist, 30:633, 1975. Sears, J. Attitudes, Experiences, and Feelings of Guidance Counselors about Working with Homosexual Students, Paper presented at the American Educational Research Association, New Orleans, 1988. (ERIC Document No. 296210). Sears, J., Personal Feelings and Professional Attitudes of Prospective Teachers toward Homosexuality and Homosexual Students: Research Findings and Curriculum Recommendations, Paper presented at the American Educational Research Association, San Francisco. (ERIC Document No. 312222) Dressler, J, "Survey of School Principals Regarding Alleged Homosexual Teachers in the Classroom: How Likely (Really) is a Discharge?, University of Dayton Law Review, 10 (3): pp. 599-620, 1985; Fisher, T., A Study of Educators' Attitudes toward Homosexuality, Doctoral Dissertation, University of Virginia, Charlottesville, 1982. (Dissertation Abstracts International, 43, 10, 3294A); Griffin, P., From Hiding Out to Coming Out: Empowering Lesbian and Gay Educators, Journal of Homosexuality, 22 (3/4): pp. 167-196, 1992; Price, J., High School Students' Attitudes Toward Homosexuality, Journal of School Health, 52 (8): pp. 469-474, 1982; Sears, J., Educators, Homosexuality, and Homosexual Students: Are Personal Feelings Related to Professional Beliefs?, in Coming Out of the Classroom Closet, ed. K. Harbeck, New York: Haworth Press, 39, 1992, Smith, D., An Ethnographic Interview Study of Homosexual Teachers' Perspectives, Doctoral Dissertation, State University of New York, Albany, 1985. (Dissertation Abstracts International, 46, 1,66A.) Some of the following material is reprinted from: Blumenfeld, Warren J., & Raymond, Diane, Looking at Gay and Lesbian Life, Boston: Beacon Press, 1988, 1993. This list compiled by Arthur Lipkin, Harvard School of Education, and Warren J. Blumenfeld, Social Justice Education Program, University of Massachusetts - Amherst. Troiden, Richard R., The Formation of Homosexual Identities, in Gay and Lesbian Youth, Gilbert Herdt (ed.), Harrington Park Press, 1989. Cass, Vivienne, Homosexual Identity Formation: A Theoretical Model, Journal of Homosexuality, New York: Hawthorn Press, (1979) 4. Lewis, Lou Ann, The Coming-Out Process for Lesbians: Integrating a Stable Identity, Journal of the National Association of Social Workers, (1984) 29:5. Pollak, M., Male Homosexuality, in Western Sexuality, ed. P. Aries and A. Bejin, New York: Blackwell, 1985, pp. 40-61. Coleman, Eli, Developmental Stages of the Coming Out Process, Journal of Homosexuality, New York: Hawthorn Press, (1981-2) 7(2/3).

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